


Bawdlerised Nursery Rhymes

by SickRose



Category: Nursery Rhymes & Songs
Genre: Abuse, Bad Poetry, Bestiality, Bisexuality, Castration of animals, Come Eating, Cunnilingus, Dark Comedy, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Erotic Poetry, Extremely Underage, F/F, F/M, Genital Piercing, Glory Hole, Incest, M/M, Molestation, Multi, Murder, Nepiphilia, Nursery Rhyme References, Object Insertion, Other, Parent/Child Incest, Parody, Pedophilia, Porn Parody of Poetry, Prostitution, Public Sex, Puns & Word Play, Sex swap, Sibling Incest, Trans Animal Character, Twisted, Vaginal Fisting, Voyeurism, Watersports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:14:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SickRose/pseuds/SickRose
Summary: A collection of pornified poems, dirtified ditties and lewdified limericks. Or: nursery rhymes but rewritten to be about sex.That's it. That's the post.
Relationships: Baker's Man/Me, Bo Peep/Sheep, Georgie Porgie/The Boys, Georgie Porgie/The Girls, Humpty Dumpty/All The King's Horses, Humpty Dumpty/All The King's Men, Jack Horner/St Nicholas, Jack/Jill (Nursery Rhyme), Simple Simon/Pieman, Three Blind Mice/Farmer's Wife
Kudos: 28





	1. Pat-A-Cake, Pat-A-Cake

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read anything that will upset/disturb/trigger/gross you out. Please.

Tap-a-cake, tap-a-cake, raper-man.

Rape my cake as hard as you can

Fuck it and dick it, and mark it with pee,

Put a bun in my oven--a baby for me.


	2. Georgie Porgie

Georgie Orgie pounded them dry,  
Cocked the girls and made them cry.  
When the boys came out to play,  
Georgie Orgie then turned gay.


	3. Humpty Dumpty

Rumpy Pumpy sat on his bum,  
Rumpy Pumpy had a great cum.  
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men  
Had to pork Rumpy all over again.


	4. Three Variations on 'Jack Be Nimble'

Jack was nimble,

Jack was slick,

Jack jumped onto

the candlestick.

Jack is nimble,

Jack is slick,

Jack gets off

with a candlestick.

Jack be nimble,

Jack get slick,

Jack jump onto

my candlestick.


	5. Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Tubby,  
Went to her hubby,  
To get her poor pussy some bone.  
When she got there,  
Her hubby was bare,  
And her fat little pussy got done.


	6. Jack and Jill

Jack made Jill go on the pill,  
In case she had a daughter.  
Jack felt sick and stroked his dick,  
And Jill came not long after.  
Jack threw up and Jill he railed  
As hard as he could rape her.  
Then their mother found Jill dead,  
her cunt stuffed with sandpaper.


	7. Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horny sat on St Nick’s knee,  
Licking his candy cane.  
The Saint put his thumb right into Jack’s bum,  
And said "Here comes the choo-train!"


	8. Rock-a-bye Baby

Rocking my baby on my fat cock,  
When my load blows he’ll get quite a shock.  
If baby wakes then baby will cry,  
and if baby breaks then baby will die.  
If mummy comes in, then I will come too  
and I’ll turn around and ask if she knew.  
If she says yes we’ll get down and screw  
to get a new baby—wife number two.


	9. Rub-a-dub-dub

Fap-a-fap-fap,  
Two men and a trap,  
And who do you think they be?  
The Duke and the Earl and a slutty boygirl  
And all of them making whoopee.


	10. Simple Simon

Sissy Simon met a pedo wanking by the road.  
Said sissy Simon to the pedo, let me taste your load.  
Said the pedo to sissy Simon, show me first your hiney.  
Said sissy Simon to the pedo, see, just look how shiny.


	11. It's Raining, It's Pouring

It's raining, it's pouring,  
The old man was whoring,  
He sprained the head while fucking in bed  
And he couldn't get it up in the morning.


	12. Three Blind Mice

Three trans mice.  
Three trans mice.  
See how they cum!  
See how they cum!  
They all came onto the farmer's wife,  
Who cut off their cocks  
With a carving knife.  
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,  
As three trans mice?


	13. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite cunt-hairy  
Why does your garden flow?  
For studs and belles and cockcream-smells  
And pretty maids going down below.


	14. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,  
I wonder just how deep you are!  
A-flutter on my cock--so small,  
Like a toddler in the mall.

When your clothes are ripped and gone,  
and you have got nothing on,  
When I make your little light,  
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the pervert in the park,  
Thanks you for your tiny mark,  
He would not rape you, little ho,  
If you did not twinkle so.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,  
Let’s find out how deep you are!


	15. Wee Willie Winkie

Wee Willy Wanky slinks through the streets,  
Up-skirts and down-shirts of every girl he meets.  
Peering through the windows and palming at his cock,  
And if he spies a pretty maid, he’ll bother not to knock.


	16. Sing a Song of Sixpence

Sing a song of sex-pests, a trouserful of snake;  
Four and twenty choirboys baked in a cake.  
When the cake was opened, their cocks shot rope on rope,  
Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the Pope?

The King was in the cunting-house, eating out his Mummy;  
The Queen was in the whorehouse, drinking ‘milk’ and ‘honey’;  
The Maid was in the garden, taking off her clothes,  
When up came a black man and whistled at her pose.


	17. Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue, come blow my horn,  
The ram's in your ‘meadow’, the bull's on your ‘corn’.  
Where is that boy who ‘looks after’ the sheep?  
He's under a haystack, fucked asleep.  
Will you rape him? Oh yes, said I,  
And when I do, he'll surely cry.


	18. Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

‘Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?’

‘I’ve been to London to look at the Queen.’

‘Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?’

‘I licked her little muff under her chair.’


	19. Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little man,

His cum was white as snow,

And every time that Mary sucked

The man was sure to blow.

He fiddled her at school one day,

Down in the swimming pool.

It made the children laugh and play

To see them shag at school.

So the Teacher turned him out

But still he lingered near,

And perved at all the kids about

Till Mary did appear;

And then he ran to her and stuffed

His cock into her bum

'Now hold still, Mary dear,' he puffed

‘I’ll piss inside your tum.’

‘What makes the man fuck Mary so?’

The eager children cry,

'O, Mary lets the man. you know,'

The Teacher did reply,

‘And you each gentle pædophile

In confidence may win,

If you will spread your legs and smile

And say, “Please, sir, come in.”’


	20. Ding Dong Bell

Big Dick Dong!

Right through her thong!

Why’d he put it in?

Because he was mean.

Why'd he pull it out?

Because she did shout.

What a naughty boy was that

To rape her pussy fat,

With his whole fist and arm,

Down on the straw in father’s barn.


	21. Lucy Locket

Cissy Simon lost her hymen

Kitty Kruncher broke it

But ne’er a drop of blood there was

though deep and hard he poked it.


	22. I Love Little Pussy

I love little pussy,  
I love little cunt  
And I love to hurt it,  
When I’m on the hunt.  
  
I’ll tear up her tail,  
I’ll rip up her rump;  
then her little pussy  
all night long I’ll pump.  
  
Then I’ll sit on her chest  
And I’ll feed her my wood;  
And she’ll take it because  
that’s her only food.


	23. Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

Baa, baa, black bitch,

Have you any tricks?

Yes, sir, yes, sir,

Three big dicks;

One fucked the master,

And one fucked the dame,

And one fucked the little boy

That cries in the lane.


	24. Oh Where, Oh Where is My Little Dog Gone

Oh where, oh where is my little Dick gone  
Oh where, oh where has he been?  
With his balls hanging low and his shaft swinging long  
I wonder what hole he is in?


	25. Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Mochas

Sat on her toches,

Eating her cum and wee;

Along came a pædo,

Who pulled down his spedo

And filled young Miss Mochas with glee.


	26. Dickory Dickory Dock

Dickory, Dickory, Dock!  
The man whipped out his cock  
The cock struck one,  
It was his son  
Dickory, Dickory, Dock!  
  
Dickory, Dickory, Dare!  
He lifted the boy in the air  
Then sat him down  
On his cock so brown,  
Dickory, Dickory, Dare.


	27. Girls and Boys Come Out to Play

Girls, and boys who might be gay,  
The moon doth shine as bright as day  
Leave your supper and slumber deep  
And join the prostitutes down the street.  
  
Cum with a whoop and cum with a call  
And cum from your cunt or not at all  
Put your arse through the hole in the wall  
Or your lips to the hole in the toilet stall.


	28. Yankee Doodle

Yank-my-Diddle came in town

A-sucking on a pony,

He stuck a feather up his ass

And said he was a Furry.

[Chorus]

_Yank-my-Diddle get it up,_

_Yank-my-Diddle randy,_

_Tie a ribbon round your cock,_

_And with the girls be handsy._

Father and I went down to camp,

Along with Captain Wooding,

And there we saw the men in boys

As thicc as chocolate pudding.

[Chorus]

And there we saw a thousand men

As hung as ole Goliath,

And what they jizzed out every day,

could be a baby’s diet.

[Chorus]

The lasses they eat every day,

of cum as white as winter;

They lick their bowls and cups so clean,

They’re sure to get a splinter.

[Chorus]

And there I saw a great big guy

hung like a log of maple,

blow on a naughty little tart,

A load could sauce an apple.

[Chorus]

And every time he rubs one out,

It’s like a blast of chowder,

His moan it sounds like father's one,

Only damnation louder.

[Chorus]

I sidled up to get a look

although it was disgraceful

while father went to shake his hand,

and got himself a faceful.

[Chorus]

Cousin Simon grew so bold,

I thought he would have sucked it;

When next he saw the cock shoot off

He caught it in a bucket.

[Chorus]

And Cap'n Gentill had a boy,

It was a black-eyed Sambo

He stuck his crooked stabbing iron

Up in its black-eyed butthole.

[Chorus]

And there I saw a pumpkin shell

For pissin they had made it,

And every time they filled it up

The Sambo he would drain it.

[Chorus]

And there I saw a little kid

They’d tied her up with leather

They’d knocked her up and banged her gut

To call the men together.

[Chorus]

And there was Cap'n Washington,

And little boys around him;

They say when he grows stiff and hard

He hitches up and rides 'em.

[Chorus]

He took of all his fancy clothes,

And slapped them on his stallion;

The stallion gave the orders while

He sucked off the battalion.

[Chorus]

The flaming ribbons in his hat,

They nearly burned his ears, ah,

I thought my darling girl could use

A few in her vagina.

[Chorus]

I saw another gang of men

A-dicking slaves, they told me,

They dicked those slaves so long and deep,

My pants could hardly hold me.

[Chorus]

The troopers they did gallop up

and jizz right in our faces

without taking their britches down

or undoing their laces.

[Chorus]

It scared me so, I ran the streets,

I did not think it funny,

I stuffed my face when I got home,

Up in my mother's cunny.

[Chorus]


	29. Little Bo-Peep

Little Bone-Deep, he loves his sheep,  
And well knows how to mount them:  
Leave them be, and they’ll come to he  
And not so he can count them!

Little Bone-Deep fell fast asleep  
And dreamt his sheep were stolen.  
And when he came to, he found it was true,  
But now his cock was swollen.

He took up his stick, and also his prick;  
And to him his little lambs flocked;  
He fucked them indeed, and then made them bleed  
For it wasn’t their tails he docked!

He heaved a moan, and rubbed his bone  
And ran over hill and dale, O!  
And tried what he could, as a good shepherd should,  
To fuck each sheep in its tail, O!


	30. Ride a Cock-horse

Ride a cockwhore   
At Bumbury Moor,  
There see a fine laddie ride on a white whore;  
With rings in her cunny  
And bells on her tits  
So she shall be uséd  
Wherever she sits.


	31. What Are Little Boys Made Of?

What are little boys made of, made of?  
What are little boys made of?  
Hentai and wank and all things dank,  
And such are little boys made of.  
Hentai and wank and all things dank,  
And such are little boys made of.

What are little girls made of, made of?  
What are little girls made of?  
Cunnies and cummies and round pregnant tummies,  
And such are little girls made of;  
Cunnies and cummies and round pregnant tummies,  
And such are little girls made of.

What are our young men made of, made of?  
What are our young men made of?  
Leather and spunk, and all things punk,  
And such are our young men made of;  
Leather and spunk, and all things punk,  
And such are our young men made of.

What are young women made of, made of?  
What are young women made of?  
Bondage and rape, and assholes that gape,  
And such are young women made of;  
Bondage and rape, and assholes that gape,  
And such are young women made of.


	32. There Was A Little Man

There was a little man,  
And he wooed a little maid,  
And he said 'Little maid! will you wed, wed, wed?  
I have little more to say,  
But be warned, if you say nay  
I’ll tie you up and beat you till you’re dead, dead, dead!'

The little maid replied,  
As her bodice-lace he tried,  
'But what shall we have for to eat, eat, eat?  
How can I know you’re able,  
To put food upon the table  
As well as put my minnie on your meat, meat, meat?'

The little man replied,  
As he lifted up his bride  
And wrapped his little hands around her bum, bum, bum,  
'With the little that I have,  
You shall be my little slave,  
And you shall dine each day upon my cum, cum, cum.'

And then the little gent,  
Took the maid into his tent,  
And there her little heart began to beat, beat, beat;  
For although the man was small,  
His little man was tall,  
And went right up inside her to her teat, teat, teat.


	33. Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey, diddle, diddle,

The cat had a piddle,

The cow spunked over the room;

The little dog drooled

To see such cum,

And ate it all up with a spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done, I think! If anyone has a favourite nursery rhyme from their childhood they'd like me to corrupt, feel free to drop a comment.


End file.
